Pen in Motion

I haven’t posted in a while – I have been so busy with life that I forgot to write about it.

I don’t even know where to begin, but it’s best to not attempt to summarize the past. So  much has happened, and also not happened.

The relationship that I thought would be my last didn’t last. I don’t like to think that I am on any kind of quest for love because I am beginning to understand it to be more of a quest “to be loved,” and am already quite loved by the people who have always loved me. And even the relationship didn’t last actually did, but not in the same way. I found a true soul mate and he is my best friend, but we don’t know how to do the romantic part very well. Or maybe I didn’t know how to do it well. But he is still in my life and still the person who knows me better than I know myself – he just isn’t my romantic partner anymore. But does he love me? Absolutely. And I think it’s stronger than when we thought we were going to live happily ever after. Actually we are living happily – as friends.

I published a collection of poetry last May (Pen in Motion on Amazon.com) and I am elated that I finally did the thing I have long wanted to do. And when I finally held the book in my hands and saw my work in print, I don’t think I cried…but I smiled and laughed. I might have cried a little later. Sometimes it still feels surreal that it even happened, but then I look at the copy sitting on my desk and I remember that it is truly real.

I finished my MFA program (!!) And more exciting than this, I finally began writing the story of Jaelith…the beautiful and fierce warrior character I created over 15 years ago. I have been trying to write her story since her inception, and now it is happening. The book began as my thesis project, and I am continuing the work. It is finally real and I grow all the more excited with every sentence I write.

And now I have returned here, and it feels so good.

Writing has always been this wonderful, beautiful, exhilarating, and somewhat scary process for me. The excitement and terror of that first blank page – what is meant to go here? What story will unfold? Much like taking a journey down a new road at night with a blindfold, I rarely have much of an idea of where I am going when I begin to write. That is part of the exciting process, but it’s also a little daunting. What if I get lost? Or worse – what if what I write isn’t good?

The latter questions bothers me more than anything. I love to write. I love to create, and I love do it with words. But I want what I make to be good, which is how it’s supposed to be. We were made to want to make, to want to create. And we were made to want to look at our creation and say “this is good.” I can still remember remnants of a Dorothy Sayers article/book chapter called “Why Work?” in which she makes the same declaration. The desire to create is in all of us, and it surfaces in different ways. For some, it’s in music or art. For others, it’s in business. But if you look at the foundation of the artist and the corporate giant, you will likely find a similar root – the yearn to make something and say “it’s good.”

My art, my creation is with words. Whether it’s poetry or fiction (or this post), what I write is of high value to me. It’s precious because I made it. It’s my precious. (yeah, I went there) I should love it more than I fear it. And really, I shouldn’t fear it at all. What am I afraid of anyway? I have read a lot of books on writing in the recent years, and one of the most endearing nuggets of advice is this – write what you love. And I might add, write how you love. I write because I love – the words, the world, myself, my craft, my creation. I love and that makes my creation good because it has truly been “made with love.”

There is a movie that I remember watching with my mother and sister many years ago…I want to say “Ben-Hur.” Well I do not remember much of the movie, but rather a scene in that movie where the insane Roman emperor Nero makes a demand of his wife: “I command you to stop loving me!” Somehow that hit our funny bone – probably just the sheer lunacy of the statement. But to this day, we will crack a smile if one of us blurts out that line.

I can recall an experience in 2010 where I found myself grappling with a particularly frustrating love challenge – someone, who by her actions and words, seemed to be commanding me to not love her. And after a few months of her negative treatment, I was more than willing to grant her wish. What made the situation even more frustrating was that I had not done anything to this woman – absolutely nothing to deserve her furor. It was unfair and unjust, and I wanted some kind of justification.

I am not a mean-spirited person, but I quickly found myself rejoicing every time she messed up at work. Part of the problem was that this person’s actions began to remind me of another person who hurt me badly several months prior. I suddenly found myself greatly desiring vengeance on both of them. I wanted to hurt the just as much (if not more) as they hurt me. Even more, I wanted them humiliated in front of their peers.

They are both demanding that I not love them, and I made myself miserable trying to do just that – to the extent of actually dreaming about confronting the woman and getting her fired.

But then I finally stopped my plotting long enough to hear God. He knew the situation was unfair – He saw every “dagger” look she gave me, and He heard everything she said against me and my (now) ex-husband (she was his employee). But regardless of what she was doing, He still loved her. And because He loved her, I had to decline her demand and also love her. I also had to love the other person – a fete I found much more difficult.

There are going to be other people in my life who demand that I not love them, but their petition will always be outweighed by God’s command that we love because Christ first loved us (I John 4:19).

 “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things. Love never fails.”

In the days leading up to Valentine’s Day last year, the local radio stations began playing a bevy of love/romance-themed songs. One song that I heard with increasing frequency was the recently released “Say Something,” which featured vocals by Christina Aguilera. With its slow, haunting melody and lyrics, I could see why people would see this as a romantic song. Except that it’s not. The more I heard the song, the more I heard the lyrics – “say something; I’m giving up on you.” During the most romantic times of the year and one of the most popular songs on the radio is about a love that fails.

The theme behind “Say Something” actually fits the description for how many people see themselves – as too much to handle, a burden on loved ones. I once felt this way too, and I had actually built up a rather romantic idea around the belief that I was too flawed to ever completely love. “Say Something” gives us the kind of warped, flawed love that the world is so accustomed to wallowing in, which is “I’ve reached the end of my rope and I have nothing left, so I’m letting go. “

When the Apostle Paul expounds on and explains true love/God’s love in I Corinthians 13, he summarizes his definition with three words – “Love never fails.” While carnal love can (and will) stop, break up, pull away, and give up, God’s love does not. It does not ever stop or give up. The Amplified Bible says that “Love never fails (fades out, comes to and an end, or becomes obsolete).” What moved me out of my twisted fantasy was love. I finally began to understand the greatness of God’s love. In Romans 8:38-39 Paul extols the promise that we can never be taken away from the unchanging, boundless, all-encompassing love of God: “For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, no principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God.”

I am not a burden, and there are not any flaws in me – not in God’s eyes. To Him, I am perfect and beautiful and covered in His love. And because I am filled with love, I can love others with the same force that God loves me. I don’t ever have to tell someone that I am giving up on them because the power to love comes from God and He never gives up.

The next time you are thinking of romantic songs, remember that one of the truly more romantic tunes begins like this: “Jesus loves me, this I know…”

August 2008 was a life-altering month for me – I enrolled in classes for the first time in ten years. My last experience with college had been at Baylor in 1998 and I was not a very good steward of time or money back then.

I used to joke that I was enrolled at Baylor…didn’t attend, was just enrolled. It seemed less shameful when I was laughing about it. I had turned down an athletic scholarship at the end of my senior year in high school because of fear. That and a boy that turned out to not even like me. I also turned down a scholarship to my mother’s alma mater ORU. AND I squandered two years of free tuition from the state of Texas to any public college or university…this was for being the valedictorian of my high school class. There was so much hope placed before me and I was too selfish and afraid to step out and take it.

Fast forward about ten years – I was thirty years old and going back to school. I had an epiphany in July that if I did not get back in school then, I would be 39 going on 40 and wishing I had done something sooner. I chose to be an English major and re-entered school at a local junior college.

You know what I discovered? For one, I LOVED SCHOOL. I must sound like such a geek/nerd/something for saying that, but my first semester back in school was amazing for me.

I determined to myself before stepping onto that campus that I would not waste any more time or money. I gave myself two goals – (1) to maintain a 4.0 and (2) to graduate summa cum laude. God, as He always does, showed Himself faithful. I never doubted that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I learned a lot more than I thought I would in my Creative Writing class, and I finished my first semester with a 4.0 GPA! I would go on to graduate in 2013 with a BA in writing and a (still) decent 3.9 GPA. I did reach my second goal – I graduated summa cum laude!

I lost so much ground before 2008, but I have realized that it is pointless to dwell on the past. What matters now is that I will not lose any more ground. Last October (2014), I began the first quarter of a graduate writing program to earn a Master of Fine Arts degree in creative writing.

My biggest lesson to learn with/about/concerning God has been that I have to trust Him. Refusing to fully trust was keeping my Father from being able to move in my life. I trust that God can, according to His Word, redeem the time that I threw away. I trust that He will continue to provide for my needs, and then some. And I trust that He will not allow me to be overtaken in any circumstance.

It is never too late to begin moving in the right direction. Even if it’s the last hour that you have on this earth, that is still sixty minutes that you can turn yourself around and head for the sun. You have all the time in the world.

Another poem from my class…

He turns,

wrapped in the wings

of a thousand crows –

angry, desolate,

and black as jagged onyx stones.

He is not Death,

even with those gaunt eyes

and sunken cheeks –

skin that used to know

what it felt like to have pigment.

And those fingers –

brittle and warped,

but still strong enough to strangle

hopes

             dreams

                             ambitions

                                                   futures.

Not quite Death –

Regret.

At the beginning of February 2014, I made the commitment to read I Corinthians 13 every day. I wanted to improve my “love walk,” and what better way than to read the Apostle Paul’s definition of love on a daily basis. After a few days on this assignment, I began to focus mostly on reading the actual description of God’s love in verses 4 – 8. With each day, I became more adept at cruising through those verses before moving on to the rest of my daily scripture reading. “Love endures long and is patient and kind” became part of my morning mantra; I hardly realized how little I really concentrated on the powerful words in I Corinthians 13. I was almost through the month of February before something finally caught my attention long enough for me to slow down and digest what I was reading.

“Love is kind” – it hardly seems all that powerful of a statement, but there is a powerhouse of strength and authority folded into such a sweet, cotton candy-esque term. The actual Greek word is chrésteuomai and the only time it is used in the Bible is in I Corinthians 13:4. It literally means “to be kind.” It still did not seem all that impressive until I realized that chrésteuomai was/is a verb – an action word that is always in the process of “acting” when used in a sentence. Kindness is not a wimpy, cherub-loving adjective, but a brawny verb that demands doing. Love is always in the process of showing kindness, always thinking of others, and always looking to serve.

My next stop was to a dictionary (or dictionary web site, rather) to see how the modern lexicons defined “kind.” I found a decidedly wider array of words to describe “kind” than was offered by the Strong’s concordance: “of good or benevolent nature; having, showing, or proceeding from benevolence;   indulgent, considerate, or helpful; mild or gentle.” Kindness proceeds from Love – is actively coming out of Love all the time. We live in a world that is in dire need of kindness every day, people who need to experience a love that flows with helpfulness, consideration, and gentleness. To be kind is to take yourself out of the picture so that the only people you see are those around you who desperately need to be noticed by someone.

The need for kindness was further driven home for me following a discussion with a friend regarding driving etiquette (and the lack of it by other drivers). He initially refused to allow a vehicle to cut in front of him at a stop light. As a result, the vehicle was blocking one of the lanes and preventing any other cars in that particular lane from moving. I suggested that he allow the driver into his lane; when he asked why I felt she deserved the pass, I countered that it was the kind thing to do. He again asked why I thought the driver deserved this act of kindness when she had clearly disregarded other vehicles on the road by attempting to force herself into our lane. Again, I stated that it was an act of kindness. For me, the whole point of kindness is that we are receiving gentle treatment whether we deserve it or not. If goodness was only doled out to those who deserved it, then (a) the list would be remarkably short and (b) it wouldn’t really be kindness. (My friend did allow the driver to move into our traffic lane).

Being kind is not a sign of weakness, but rather an understanding that others need to be loved more than you need to remain the center of your attention. Do not take for granted the power that flows through your acts of kindness. Of all the grand and amazing things that Jesus did, he was also kind.