FaRther

“Father” – 

only one letter away 

from “farther.” 

Seems especially fitting now 

since that’s where 

you are – farther – 

away. 

From me, from here, from life. 

It’s not like we’ve ever 

been close, 

even when you were on Earth. 

Sometimes it was okay, 

and sometimes it bugged me to not 

be the one 

who had all the “dad” memories. 

But you were still Dad. 

My dad, by blood, 

and that had to mean something – right?

Plus you were the only one 

I ever had. 

I had some stuff that 

kept me close — 

crooked smile, early gray hair, long legs, 

weird sense of humor, 

and also 52. 

Now you’re farther away than ever, 

but at least you have 

someone to keep you company. 

Father. 

Farther. 

But not always. 

#pretendingnottofeel

Let’s just pretend 

that nothing ever happened, 

since nothing 

has officially happened anyway. 

At least not on your end. 

It’s all me. 

I’m the one who noticed you 

and let myself think 

about the possibility of anything 

more than this 

pre-friend thing we have 

right now. 

Sure I want the friend part, 

but I also want more. 

Looking at you 

makes me think about that 

and I can’t help it. 

But right now, 

I’m ready to just say uncle 

and be done – 

because it’s also reminding me 

of those old scars 

that I can usually not think about 

too much. 

I have enough of those 

and right now, 

I’m just a little too scared 

of accumulating more. 

#dontknowwheretobegin

I don’t even know how to start, 

or where to start,

or even if starting is the 

thing to do. 

People always say to begin 

at the beginning, 

but I’m still trying to find that first

set or tracks.

I know it sounds like I’m rambling, 

but maybe that’s how we 

work this stuff out. 

Maybe we have to unravel our brain 

to locate all the knots. 

Maybe we need to just pick a direction 

and follow to the bloody end. 

Or rather, 

bloody beginning. 

Sometimes we have to go backwards  

before we can move forward. 

So, where was I?

#anotherminddump

I don’t even know how to start, 

or where to start,

or even if starting is the 

thing to do. 

People always say to begin 

at the beginning, 

but I’m still trying to find that first

set or tracks.

I know it sounds like I’m rambling, 

but maybe that’s how we 

work this stuff out. 

Maybe we have to unravel our brain 

to locate all the knots. 

Maybe we need to just pick a direction 

and follow to the bloody end. 

Or rather, 

bloody beginning. 

Sometimes we have to go backwards  

before we can move forward. 

So, where was I?

#resolvethis

I’ve never been much for “new year’s resolutions” – I think I tried to make them at one point, but never stuck to it beyond making the list.

Having worked and studied as a writer, I have a new affinity and appreciation for words than I did 20 years ago. The idea of “resolution” carries a different distinction nowadays. Given that it’s the first day of a new year, it’s understandable that I would be thinking about resolutions.

What’s the big deal with resolutions anyway? I know it’s a thing and all, but do we really understand it? Do we even understand the word?

“Resolution” is a noun; The verb form would be “resolve.” Synonyms for resolution include: decision, settlement, verdict, conclusion, proposal.

These are not “light” words; they are not meant to be used as fluff or filler. Think about it – decision, settlement, verdict: what do you think of when you hear these words? Courts and judgments and finality spring to mind, right?

What have we done to the idea of new year’s resolutions to make it more of a joke than a life-changing move?

So, here we are, at the beginning of another year – 364 more days to change. Maybe this will be the year that we resolve, we propose, we conclude, we decide to __________________________.

Chimera

What’s that I see – 

in the corner of the mirror, 

when I look just right, 

when the lights are turned down low 

and I’m not too busy thinking 

about how complicated my life is these days. 

If I don’t blink or squint, 

I can make it out – 

hunched and twisted, like maybe Rumpelstiltskin 

or some other creature 

lurking in the origins of old fairy tales.  

I can feel it sometimes, 

breathing on my neck, ready to pounce – 

but then, 

when I glance just so 

and don’t turn out all the lights, 

it shrinks back 

just enough, 

until I pass another mirror.

stuff we don’t talk about

Sometimes things happen — 

that’s what we say when it’s too complicated, 

or painful, 

or petty, 

or messy to explain 

and we just want to shrug it off, 

even though 

we know that isn’t happening 

anytime soon. 

Because things happen — 

like when I married the wrong man 

who bullied me 

into 

       the 

             ground 

and never thought he spoke unkindly. 

Or when I let that person 

break my heart over and over 

and over, 

like I’m not china. 

Or when the first of two monsters 

took something from me and left only scars. 

But hey – things happen. 

Yep — things.

Amazing Quotes

These are some of my favorite quotes – a few that stay with me every time I sit down to write, to think about writing, or even just to think. Or even when I am going about my day and thinking about my book. These are words that have made me gasp in delight – so excited at their truth that I want to call everyone in my phone and read it to them.

(1) David Jacobsen

“I believe that every time I put a word down with the intention of making something to last, whether a story or novel or essay, I am inside a moment in which I better be attempting to wrestle with a matter of life and death.”

“I believe even the sheer act of writing is a matter of life and death, that if I am not here in my place and writing, that I am not seeking with the means I have been given – an ability with the written word – to find meaning that will matter.”

“…where I am sitting when I write is the sacred beginning of any attempt to make concrete via words those matters of life and death the worlds inside my own books seek to explore.”

“…I want to remember why I am here, and why this whole writing thing deserves my deepest attention, and my innermost focus.”

“Words and what they can do are important, because in the beginning was the Word.”

#outwiththeold

Dear old post,
I’m deleting you today –
as in no more,
all gone, gonzo, good-bye forever,
sending you into the abyss
with the others.
You can all commiserate together over
your doomed fate
while you give me the stink eye.
I want to say that it’s nothing personal, but it is.
I don’t want to see you pop up anymore.
No more reminders of memories I want to forget
in the first place.
I know you’re probably judging me,
thinking that I should
“own my words”.
Whoever came up with that jargon
either never said anything regrettable
or has made so many mistakes
that he/she turned bad lemons into worse lemonade.
Misery loves company.
But anywho –
I won’t say thanks because it wasn’t a good time,
then or now.
Enjoy Valhalla, or wherever you end up.

#truthhurts

(I think this is recycled from a few years ago, but I still like it)

I’m listening to this song

about the good, bad, and ugly truth.

I guess the truth is all of those

at some point.

I wish I had some good truth

to chew on –

so far, it’s just been bad and ugly.

And it hurts.

People are always sorry when the truth hurts,

but they still dump it on you.

Sometimes they even give

a “truth hurts” quip like it’s supposed to help.

Douche bags.

Yeah, I’m thinking of you right now –

all of you,

and why you ever thought I wanted

your brand of truth.

Maybe you didn’t want to lie,

but the truth wasn’t really necessary either.

 

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